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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2017|03:13 pm]

Skipped Shadow Accord and stayed home. Did nice boring things. Bought Erin a new dresser. Back to owning no tv, and on Friday i bought a washer and dryer from Lowes which was installed saturday so we did laundry all day.

On friday i felt pangs of missing mom pretty bad because i went with mom to buy the washer and dryer and the stove for their house, at Lowes. And saturday i was erasing voice mail messages and remembered that i dont have a message from her anymore and it pained my heart and i cried over that. And sunday i cried in fred meyer because mom bought us a lot of cat toys for wolfy from there when we first got him and i saw the items in the aisle. Still miss her. Sometimes just wish id die but i cant imagine anything good waiting for me on the other side. Cuz if heavens real, im not going there and if its not real then there is nothing.

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It's the little lies to myself that keep me from screaming [Feb. 8th, 2017|08:31 pm]
I look down at your wallet and see your id through the clear plastic cover. My first thought isn't to wonder how many days it has been since I saw your face, or how it felt when you kissed my cheek... it is; “Mom will be so pissed she left that.”

Because for me you aren't gone. I never left the hospital. It's still Wednesday and if I close my eyes I am just waiting for the doctors to be done with your surgery. I'm waiting anxiously for 1pm to roll around so we can go visit you post surgery. If I try really hard no time has passed from that day and when I open my eyes I'll be back in the hospital cafeteria with Perrin, Dad, Linda, and Jeanne.

But like a drain sucking down water, my hope is sucked away from me in a dizzying spiral right into the dark hole of reality as I realize you aren't there. And then I have to fight through this damn fog. What does that even mean? That you 'aren't there'?

You'll be back, you always came back.

Then that slow remembering... you're dead.

It's a slow process where I have to step by step spell it out to myself. You stopped breathing. We watched you leave us. You aren't anywhere I can drive to. I can't call you and know that you will pick up the cell phone. I can't drive to Belfair and find you at home.

There is NO WHERE I can drive- no distance I can go, that will ever bring you back to me.

And then that painful, mind numbing horror creeps up on me and I can't breathe and my throat won't work.

It's been fourteen days and at this hour ( 8pm ) on the 25th of January, we all still had hope. It was still an hour before we would be told you would need to be in a six day coma. It would be three more days of hope that we would live on.

I want you here for selfish reasons. Because I wanted you around another ten fucking years. There were a lot of things you did that drove me crazy, but I NEVER wanted you gone. I'll never see you come into the store and buy things, give me a hug, sit down with me, have a coffee or walk over to the teriyaki restaurant across the way. I should have paid you so much more attention. I took you for granted and I keep screaming at myself for my carelessness.

You had a lot of flaws. But no one loved as deeply or as free of judgment as you did. You NEVER looked down on me. Even when I did some pretty awful things. You were so damn accepting I could come and tell you ANYTHING and I did. And it breaks my heart that I'm never going to see you again. That I might forget how you felt or sounded or smelled. And even if I don't forget all I have is memories. And it leaves me empty every time I think of the fact I will never hold you again or look at you again except in photos.

And I forget every minute that you're gone because the loss of you wounds me so deeply that my mind cannot begin to accept or understand the loss of my okasan and friend.

I forget all the damn time... because it's still Wednesday and if I close my eyes I am just waiting for the doctors to be done with your surgery. I'm waiting anxiously for 1pm to roll around so we can go visit you post surgery.

And then I open my eyes and remember.
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D. Jeanne Whistler 7/15/1959-1/28/16 8:32pm [Jan. 29th, 2017|07:35 am]

I never knew grief could be so profound it would steal sleep from me. For the first time i slept with a stuffed animal and for the first time in a long time I slept in my mom's shirt. Not because of necessity but because it made me feel better. I could smell you on it, and while this horrible Stab of cold pain goes through me (this smell is supposed to come from warm hugs, your hands on my back, your cheek pressed against mine when you kiss my face) followed by the desperate relief of having your scent for another moment.

I never really thought you'd die in that operation. I miss you terribly and can't feel anything except a profound grief.

When grandma died, i was wounded deeply. But i had my mother. When my aunt died... I had you. Others list their mother and i had you. You were love embodied. Always giving.

You were an amazing mother that children and adults flocked to. I just thought you'd be able to see it again.

My heart is breaking because with you my world is dark and there will always be a deep wound where you were in my life. I wish i had told you that.

Thank you for your belief and support. For the love without judgement. For your words.... For giving me life and filling it with an amazing  family. Perrin and dad are broken hearted. Our family unit one less and we miss you.

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First Day [May. 6th, 2014|09:00 pm]
So I survived the first day of McDonalds training. It was only four hours but there was a lot to learn. Hoping I manage to catch on. It's really fast paced and while its not complicated, its a lot to learn. The problem with having two jobs where you are on your feet is it is really hard on the ankles. Or at least mine. So far things aren't exactly looking up, but at least I don't have to worry about bills till the 15th...
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Repressing... [Feb. 6th, 2014|09:18 pm]
So I kept seeing these odd posts on FB and the more I read them the more I was confused about what was bothering me. Until finally I was told by Andi that this was the month we found out about Clare.

And I realized I'd been doing one helluva job not thinking about it. Putting it off. Trying to forget it.

But eventually I just wanted to visit one of her social pages, either Facebook or G+. Just to look and remember.

But I couldn't find anything.

It feels as if parts of the world are trying to erase her from existence, just as much as my brain tries to avoid thinking about her not being gone. I don't even remember the exact day she passed on. And that bothers me a lot.

I found this in my inbox, I believe I posted it on FB way back when. I'm just posting it here because I trust face book not at all in regards to one day erasing my posts...

  • February 18, 2013

  • Jaime Whistler

    Clare visited me last night. Just like my grandma and my aunt did when they left. It feels like it took the same amount of time to visit me as it did grandma and aunt Joleen. About a week or so, which makes sense they all knew so many people- some times it takes a while to visit them all.

    It was an odd sort of dream. Erin and I were at my aunt Joleen's house- trying to work out wedding plans and the like. At least something that was like her house. There were so many people there and the dream was of course an odd conglomoration of people and events.

    Some people were people who were alive.... but there were those who had left us who I feel were there... except they were temporarily 'there' and no one was surprised by this. And all the living were doing their best to be non-chalant as if nothing were wrong and as if they did not want to let on to anyone something was wrong.

    I got outside and there was the entire Larp group I know practicing archery, milling about and talking. Drinking. Laughing. But it felt strained sometimes. I was just sitting there watching it- removed from it, when someone rushed over and sat beside me.

    "HEY! What you doing here moping and stuff? I know you've not come to a party to be gloomy."

    I stared at her and it took me several seconds to react I think. I couldn't remember why it was hurting to look at her. Then I could remember- I needed to act like nothing was wrong. And I wanted to hug her so fiercely. So I did. But I couldn't stop crying. I tried really hard. And she just held me.

    She asked me what was wrong. I lied and said nothing, I just have a lot on my mind.

    "I've noticed people trying to be normal with me and the others. But I can always tell when something is off. They're all upset but trying to hide it for my sake. I know why you're crying."

    And I cried harder. And told her that I missed her, that I was so sorry.

    "Please do something for me. Do something with your life. Don't just bury yourself. Go somewhere. Have a lot of fun. For me. For you."

    This is only a portion of what she said to me. I know it took a maybe a minute for her to talk to me but in all her words it was like more sentences were entwined with them. Like she was telling me SO MUCH MORE as she spoke them.

    And the strange part is- as unhappy and upset as I was all those words calmed me down.

    You know how you can take a thumb drive and transfer a document from it to a computer? That's what it was like. It looked like a 'document' but that is never a tell of how much information is actually in it. It feels like it was so much.

    Because I remembered every emotion I had felt around her from when she would talk to me.

    I felt the care from the past of when she would be hard on me but the fact she cared would always soften the blow of her words.

    I felt the strength I always managed to feel when I had her there with me encouraging me to be strong by being myself. By not bending to what others expect. By not allowing myself to be ruined by others words or actions. By standing in the middle of people who may not get, like, or understand me and doing what I felt I needed to and not what they wanted. (Sometimes her words were usually, and I quote, "Fuck them." Which always made me laugh.)

    So much and more all within the few words she said that I could audibly understand. But those other words I couldn't hear but could feel... those stuck with me and it was as if I couldn't finally understand all of it until I woke. She asked me to do one more thing for her- But I didn't recognize the words of what she was asking me. Maybe in time my heart will remember.

    Good friend that she is and was, because I was still crying she didn't stop hugging me. She held me until I woke up.

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Still Searching.... [Jan. 30th, 2014|12:39 pm]
About one job every other day shows up, and even though some are not exactly my preference I apply anyway. There MIGHT be a possibility of a temp job but still waiting on that.

Perrin and mom came up yesterday and helped with grocery money as well as bringing up my ring and keys. Spent time together, joked around, showed them a clip of Gabriel Iglesias, it was good times.

Today I tried to go exercise and set off the building alarm. Because apparently open from 5am to 11pm means the alarm is still active at 8 am. So that got foiled. Stayed home, stretched, filled a Macy's app (whoever wrote it should be shot).

I'm sensing the laundry needs to be done too. So a walk down to whole foods with Erin will neatly avoid that responsibility!
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....Dawdling [Jan. 20th, 2014|12:51 pm]
Ok, resume reupdated. To kinkos for some personal printing, (should be a quick visit) then to Work Source to see what can be done. Tomorrow I will face the line of hell that is applying for food stamps.

Wish me luck LJ. 
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Just Keep Swiiimmin.... [Jan. 19th, 2014|08:51 pm]
Today was better, I'm still worried about what will be but as I was buying the last half of what we need at the grocery store my cashier was this nice old man. In him I heard Eva.

"Doesn't do to fret on what you don't have or want. Putting the desire into the universe is good, but if you spend all your time digging  in the ground frantically for what you need you might miss it because you're too busy not looking up. Things have a way of working out. You'll be fine."

It's exactly what Eva would have said. So I'm just going to take a deep breath. I realized I didn't save any of the emails from my most recent job hunts so I will have to go in person to where I know they are in Bellevue. Also I left a bottle of my lotion at work. So tomorrow I will sneak in when only the techs are there and not the damn office staff.

Damn I wish Seahawks had lost. Thanks to my coworks I hold an unnaturally high hatred for the seahawks due to having to listen to all of them go on and on about it with their stupid shirts and fan sweaters. I fucking hate sports. I'm really angry and still thinking not so charitable thoughts for the people in the office. I just really want them to not be happy. Bitter. Stiiiilll bitter.

I hope they're customers are ALL bastards to them. Unhappy angry bastards.


Need to re-up the resume... which should take about five minutes. Le sigh. Not looking forward to this part. But I've had my two days of recovery. Can't get in a slump. I refuse.
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Persephone Lied Author Unknown [Sep. 1st, 2013|07:51 pm]
My friend posted this. I always liked the Story of Persephone... I like this version even better.

"Persephone Lied"

The truth is, I was bored.

My mother blissing ahead of me, rosebuds rising in her footsteps,
And I skulking behind, thinking,
Oh look. She walks in beauty.

Her power could boil rivers, if she chose.
She doesn’t choose. She scatters
Heliotrope behind her.

And me, I’ve no powers. I think she’d like
A decorative daughter. A link to the humans
She feeds with her scattered wheat.

A daughter wed to a swineherd’s just the thing
To show that Demeter’s a down-to-earth
Kind of goddess.
Do you know what swineherds talk about?


Diseases of, ways to cook;
“That ‘un’s got no milk for ‘er shoats;
Him, there, he’s got boggy trotters.”
And when he leaned in, smiling,
While we sat in a bower sagged with Mother’s honeysuckle,
When he said, “Now,
My herd’s growing and I’m thinking I could feed a wife—”

That’s when I snapped, I howled, I ran.
And when a hole opened up, a beautiful black, in all the pastels of my mother’s sowing.
Let me fix the lie: Nobody grabbed, nobody pulled.

I jumped.

I thought it was a tiny earthquake,
Thought I was killing myself,
Starting a long journey to Hades.
It was a more direct trip
Then I’d imagined—

I landed in his lap.

He just looked at me, said “Well,”
And kept driving his chariot down,
Flicked his leather reins near my face.
He did not give me flowers.
He never spoke of pigs.
Didn’t speak much at all. Just took me down in darkness
And did dark things.
I liked them.
I stumbled through his grey gardens, after,
Sore and smiling.

And the gardener said, “Little girl,
Little sunlit flower,
You belong in the world above.
Trust that they’ll come for you,
But while you wait
Don’t eat the food of the dead, for it will trap you here.”

And I said give me the fucking fruit.

But when I ate I could hear her howling,
See her spreading winter on the world.
My poor mother, who missed me after all;
My poor swineherd, starving.
Huddled up for warmth with the few he hadn’t eaten.

I spat out half the seeds.

So now I suffer through the summers,
Smile at the swineherd who tells me
Which shoat is off its feed.
Smile at my mother and walk behind her.

My powers have come to me now, and in her candy-colored wake I scatter
Sundew and flytrap, nettles and belladonna.
I smile and wait for November,
For when I come back to you.

Your clever cold hands and your hard black boots.
I don’t ask what the leather is made from.
I don’t think I want to know.
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(no subject) [Feb. 11th, 2013|10:35 am]

I wish I knew what to write to make it easier to process. I wish that  I could post something all sentimental and understanding and perfectly nostalgic that could be added to the "we miss her but look up" theme that some take when faced with loss.

But I can't. God I can't.

I'm so angry. But worse is I get SO angry that when I try to think of it I feel like I'm falling and like something's choking me and I can't really compute it so I run away to the feeling that this is a lie. A horrible awful lie. There's no way she'd kill herself. There's no fucking way. It had to be an accident. Or ... something. And she was in there and no one knew. That's the part that makes me want to curl up and cry. She was in there and none of us knew. God I can't imagine being in Kell-y's shoes. I can't imagine walking into my friends room to wake her up to stop her alarm... and instead finding her dead. My fucking God. This isn't real and it's a fucking mistake.

And then I get angry. And then I hate myself for not calling her more often. And I find I'm angry and crying because of every way I failed her. Just like Erin goes from quiet calm to hysterics at the thought that we should have known. And then I think - she was so fucking strong I didn't suspect. My god I never suspected or would have thought. She was so damn strong how could this have happened. How did we not know? 

She had a lot of difficulties but she always acted fine.

I can't imagine going to another party and not hugging her. Not doing our little joke where we fight for being taller then the other. I won't ever hear her make jokes that she loves being taller then someone and that she's going to keep me. I am never going to hear her threaten to hit me for having doubt in how beautiful I am- even when I feel ugly as hell. I miss her. We all do. And I find myself stifling my reaction because I don't know what to do. And Erin's so upset I want to be there for her. Maybe I'll be brave enough to face it later. But right now I feel like I'm choking on air.

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